AS a good parents never say that to your childern
Parenting is like leadership in that you are trying to gradually move your children from dependence to independence. This is done by continuously assessing their maturity and competence and inviting them to take greater and greater control of their decisions. Ideally, by the time they leave the house, they’ve learned to make wise decisions and can safely and effectively enter the world.
Here are five phrases parents say that might have significant negative impact for years to come.
1. “You’re so smart” and variations such as “you’re so talented/pretty/creative.” Although this is generally done to boost a child’s confidence and self-esteem, it achieves the opposite. Studies have shown that when children are told “they are smart” they internalize the label and want to defend their identity as the “smart kid.” They then avoid challenging games and activities where they may lose and be revealed as “not smart.” This sets up for a lifetime of proving themselves and gets in the way of a learning or growth mindset.
Instead, describe the action dispassionately, focusing on the behavior. So, “You must have worked hard to get that puzzle done” or “I see that you really stuck to it when that puzzle got hard.” Check out Carol Dweck’s Mindset for more on this.
2. “You can’t be thirsty. You just had a glass of water” and variations such as “you don’t hate Sally,” ”you don’t mean that” and “you love to go to the playground.” These are all denial of your child’s feelings.
Instead, acknowledge their feelings; this does not mean you have to grant them the physical demand. So if a child, who just had a glass of water, says they are thirsty, you might say, “It sounds like you’d like another glass of water, but I don’t have one available so we need to wait.” In cases where a child claims to “hate” someone, try something like “I can see you are very upset by this. Would you like to tell me about it?” Check out Faber and Mazlish’s How to Talk to Kids for more on this.
3. “Do you want to go to your room?” and variations like “do you want to go to time out?” and ”do I need to separate you from the others?” This is a threat that makes children feel unsafe and is particularly malicious as a punishment because it teaches that isolation is a legitimate response to something you don’t like. This sets kids up to be adults who practice “the silent treatment,” or otherwise withhold love, which is particularly harmful to relationships.
Instead, investigate and be curious about why they are behaving in a way that makes you want to separate them. For example, if a child is bullying a smaller sibling, you could try “Can you tell me what’s going on here?” At the end of the day, you will want to make it clear that “hitting your sister is not acceptable behavior.” If you feel that separation is needed, then give them a task to accomplish such as “I need you to leave your sister alone so go to your room and pick up all the toys. When you are done, come and get me.” When it comes to punishment, the best ones are having them suffer the natural consequences of their behavior. Sometimes parents want to be nice or just don’t have the self-discipline to turn the car around so they yell and threaten instead but keep driving to the birthday party. Children quickly learn that dog is all bark, with lasting negative consequences for you and them.
4. Say “thank you” and many variations such as “tell Jimmy you’re sorry,” ”tell Aunt Mae you love her” and “say please.” These attempts at socialization fail because they are done publicly and through coercion. It’s a manipulation and power play. I’ve even seen parents look at the other parent seeking an approving, check out how important manners are to me look.
Instead, it’s much better to have a conversation beforehand with your child about what is going to happen and what the expected social norms are. For example, “Aunt Mae will be arriving soon. She will want to hug you and will be excited to see you.” Depending on how old your child is, you could ask them how they feel about that, or what they think they should say. Giving kids choices helps them feel safe. If you know your child is not a big hugger, you could say “it’s your choice to hug her” or it’s OK just to say “nice to see you, Aunt Mae.” In this case, a quiet call to Aunt Mae might be helpful.
5. “Good job” and variations such as “great job,” “you’re doing so well” and “you’re making mommy proud.” These are not harmful in small doses but are overused today. The child ends up with a feeling of always being judged. These are veiled manipulations that turn children into people-pleasers seeking external validation. If every time they read a book, or put on a coat, they receive this affirmation, then the actions become transactional trades. This suppresses their intrinsic motivation for accomplishing these activities and distorts their behavior. If no one is here to praise me, why should I do something, they rationalize? It sets children up for a lifetime of seeking approval from parents, bosses, and coworkers. The result is that their happiness is determined by external influences beyond their control.
Instead, be specific about the activity and fall back on description. For example, “I see you already have your coat on and are ready to go,” or ”I see that all the peas on your plate are gone.” Think about celebrating alongside your child. Check out Jennifer Lehr’s ParentSpeak for more on this.
Let us all know your stories about phrases that work and don’t work as parents.
Parenting is like leadership in that you are trying to gradually move your children from dependence to independence. This is done by continuously assessing their maturity and competence and inviting them to take greater and greater control of their decisions. Ideally, by the time they leave the house, they’ve learned to make wise decisions and can safely and effectively enter the world.
Here are five phrases parents say that might have significant negative impact for years to come.
1. “You’re so smart” and variations such as “you’re so talented/pretty/creative.” Although this is generally done to boost a child’s confidence and self-esteem, it achieves the opposite. Studies have shown that when children are told “they are smart” they internalize the label and want to defend their identity as the “smart kid.” They then avoid challenging games and activities where they may lose and be revealed as “not smart.” This sets up for a lifetime of proving themselves and gets in the way of a learning or growth mindset.
Instead, describe the action dispassionately, focusing on the behavior. So, “You must have worked hard to get that puzzle done” or “I see that you really stuck to it when that puzzle got hard.” Check out Carol Dweck’s Mindset for more on this.
2. “You can’t be thirsty. You just had a glass of water” and variations such as “you don’t hate Sally,” ”you don’t mean that” and “you love to go to the playground.” These are all denial of your child’s feelings.
Instead, acknowledge their feelings; this does not mean you have to grant them the physical demand. So if a child, who just had a glass of water, says they are thirsty, you might say, “It sounds like you’d like another glass of water, but I don’t have one available so we need to wait.” In cases where a child claims to “hate” someone, try something like “I can see you are very upset by this. Would you like to tell me about it?” Check out Faber and Mazlish’s How to Talk to Kids for more on this.
3. “Do you want to go to your room?” and variations like “do you want to go to time out?” and ”do I need to separate you from the others?” This is a threat that makes children feel unsafe and is particularly malicious as a punishment because it teaches that isolation is a legitimate response to something you don’t like. This sets kids up to be adults who practice “the silent treatment,” or otherwise withhold love, which is particularly harmful to relationships.
Instead, investigate and be curious about why they are behaving in a way that makes you want to separate them. For example, if a child is bullying a smaller sibling, you could try “Can you tell me what’s going on here?” At the end of the day, you will want to make it clear that “hitting your sister is not acceptable behavior.” If you feel that separation is needed, then give them a task to accomplish such as “I need you to leave your sister alone so go to your room and pick up all the toys. When you are done, come and get me.” When it comes to punishment, the best ones are having them suffer the natural consequences of their behavior. Sometimes parents want to be nice or just don’t have the self-discipline to turn the car around so they yell and threaten instead but keep driving to the birthday party. Children quickly learn that dog is all bark, with lasting negative consequences for you and them.
4. Say “thank you” and many variations such as “tell Jimmy you’re sorry,” ”tell Aunt Mae you love her” and “say please.” These attempts at socialization fail because they are done publicly and through coercion. It’s a manipulation and power play. I’ve even seen parents look at the other parent seeking an approving, check out how important manners are to me look.
Instead, it’s much better to have a conversation beforehand with your child about what is going to happen and what the expected social norms are. For example, “Aunt Mae will be arriving soon. She will want to hug you and will be excited to see you.” Depending on how old your child is, you could ask them how they feel about that, or what they think they should say. Giving kids choices helps them feel safe. If you know your child is not a big hugger, you could say “it’s your choice to hug her” or it’s OK just to say “nice to see you, Aunt Mae.” In this case, a quiet call to Aunt Mae might be helpful.
5. “Good job” and variations such as “great job,” “you’re doing so well” and “you’re making mommy proud.” These are not harmful in small doses but are overused today. The child ends up with a feeling of always being judged. These are veiled manipulations that turn children into people-pleasers seeking external validation. If every time they read a book, or put on a coat, they receive this affirmation, then the actions become transactional trades. This suppresses their intrinsic motivation for accomplishing these activities and distorts their behavior. If no one is here to praise me, why should I do something, they rationalize? It sets children up for a lifetime of seeking approval from parents, bosses, and coworkers. The result is that their happiness is determined by external influences beyond their control.
Instead, be specific about the activity and fall back on description. For example, “I see you already have your coat on and are ready to go,” or ”I see that all the peas on your plate are gone.” Think about celebrating alongside your child. Check out Jennifer Lehr’s ParentSpeak for more on this.
Let us all know your stories about phrases that work and don’t work as parents.
رد: AS a good parents never say that to your childern
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رد: AS a good parents never say that to your childern
رد: AS a good parents never say that to your childern
رد: AS a good parents never say that to your childern
رد: AS a good parents never say that to your childern
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